Ep 90. The Fun of Knowing Who You Are

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 90: The Fun of Knowing Who You Are.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s going to be fun. Let’s go.

Hey, my friends, welcome back to the podcast, episode number 90, 90, 9 0, nine zero. Do you understand how amazing this is for me? I want you to understand because I want you to know that you get to create anything in your life that you want to create with just a little clarity, commitment, and consistency. And then all of a sudden one day you are recording your 90th podcast episode like me on Reinvented After 40. My podcast which has over 90,000 downloads, on its way to 100,000 downloads and 100 episodes, which I think is pretty incredible that they may all hit at the same time because that’s what the universe does.

That’s what God does, conspires in our favor when we get to work, clarifying, committing to who we are, deciding who we are, moving forward in our life in the second half of life. You guys, you have to know who you are. It is so much fun. Once you really get to work, it’s actually pretty easy to live like this with so much clarity about who you are, what you value the most and protecting those values.

So I was coaching a client this week and it was such a powerful session because it was really about her not valuing, not protecting what matters the most to her and letting everybody else in her life kind of usurp what matters most of her, with what matters most to them.

See, this is what we do because this is how we’ve always been. Because we’re good women who have always wanted to be ‘good,’ good girls and then good women. And we want people to think highly of us. So we do what they want us to do to stay in their good graces, to make them happy because that’s the way we have been trained to think that if we’re well thought of, if people like us, that means that we’re doing our job in life. We’re doing what we came here to do.

But then we get to our 40s and 50s and we’re exhausted from doing all of that. And we realize, we come to this awareness that we’re not really even doing what we want to do. We’re just doing what everyone else wants us to do for them. So we put ourselves on the back burner. A lot of my clients say that when they are describing what the problem is in their life. The problem in our life in the second half of life is that we don’t know who we are. We’ve just become kind of chameleons for who everybody else has wanted us to be, has expected us to be, has needed us to be. We’ve gotten really good at that.

But what I want to challenge you with today is getting really good at knowing who you want to be, who you are, moving forward in your life. This is your life. This is nobody else’s life. It’s yours and yours alone, truly. And this might even be a shocking thought for you, for your brain and your brain is resisting it maybe like it’s selfish. This is another thought that a lot of us have in the second half of life, well, that’s just selfish to put ourselves first, to even say that out loud, I am putting myself first. I’m the most important person in my life. This is my life. This isn’t anyone else’s life. What I value matters the most to me. I matter the most to me.

All of these thoughts, to say them out loud might be a little uncomfortable for you. They’re not uncomfortable for me because I’ve been saying them out loud for so long now because it’s so powerful. It’s so life changing and life giving. It expands our lives so much when we put ourselves first and we know who we are. We decide who we are. We get clear about what’s the most important thing to us, how can we be our best selves? And stop trying to make everyone else their best selves. Stop trying to make everyone else comfortable.

What if we just decide, I’m going to make everyone as uncomfortable as they want to be while I am creating a life I love, I value, what makes me the happiest, what makes me the most comfortable and powerful. So this is the way I think and I’m just passing it on to you and you can borrow any of these thoughts that sound like thoughts that you need to start thinking. Because what we think, we create in our life. Thoughts become things so you want to think useful powerful thoughts.

And I want to tell you how funny it is to be a woman at 62 years old who knows exactly who she is and who she is becoming. This is what I focus on every day. This is who I am. I just keep getting stronger. I keep getting more confident. I keep having more fun. I live my life with such ease and spaciousness and delight. I do hard things, but I wouldn’t ever say my life is hard. I would say I do my life with such ease and grace and fun and energy and really good energy. So this is what’s possible for you if you’re in your 40s, if you’re in your 50s, if you’re in your 60s.

I even have a client who joined my last group because I’ve worked with her for so long one-on- one who is not even 30 yet but she wants all of this for herself. She’s working way ahead of schedule. So I want you to know everything is possible for you, your brain is just limiting you. That’s it, the only thing in the way of you living your dream life are the thoughts, the limiting small thoughts that you think, your scared brain. And remember, we just do it anyway. We bring our scared little thoughts along with us. We do it anyway, fear isn’t a problem.

And also I love knowing I’m just willing to be bad at things. I want you to borrow that thought, be willing to be bad at things. Be willing to make people uncomfortable. When you start doing this work and you really start putting yourself first and deciding you want to make some big changes in your life, you want to become even a different kind of woman in the world. You want to show up every morning differently. You want to create a different schedule for you, maybe even have your own bedroom and your own bathroom and your own closet like I do.

That just tips the apple cart. Is that the saying? Rocks the boat. It rocks everyone’s boat. If a bunch of people you love are in your boat and you start rocking it, they’re going to feel it and they’re not going to like it maybe at first. That is normal. I want you to know all of it is normal and it’s okay. And you just have to be willing to feel uncomfortable because that’s how it feels in our body when other people aren’t liking our choices. So when they’re used to asking us, interrupting us, interrupting our day, our schedule and wanting something from us, and they’re used to us saying, “Sure, not a problem.”

And we’re willing to drop whatever we’re doing to go accommodate them, it’s going to make them mad. It’s going to disappoint them. It’s going to make them uncomfortable. They’re going to take it personally. All of these kinds of things are going to happen when you break out of that cycle, that yes cycle, sure cycle, anything you need cycle. It’s going to create some uncomfortable feelings with them and with you and I want you to know you’re right on time. That’s exactly how it has to go at first. They’re just getting to know the new version of you, the better version of you, the you that is becoming her highest self, her truest self, her best self.

That’s who we become when we start working on ourselves, when we start putting ourselves first and we say no. When we have scheduled our day and we decide this is what I’m going to do, this is what I want you to do. You write it all down on your calendar. You tell yourself I’m going to get up at five o’clock. I’m going to work out at 5:30, from 5:30 to 6:30. And I’m going to take the five o’clock Orangetheory class. I’m going to go home at six. I’m going to take my shower. I’m going to make my green juice. This is what I do. This is why I’m telling you this.

You don’t have to do this but it’s really fun to do this. I’m going to sit down and do my podcast. I’m going to get my work done first. Everything is scheduled out. So when your husband says, “Hey, can you go pick up my cleaning? Can you run to the bank for me? Hey, could you make my breakfast.” Or your kids call or, “Hey, can I drop the kids off today?” You’re just like, “No, no, no, no. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that today. I have my own things that I have scheduled.” Can you imagine living a life like that? It’s so fun. These are the things you value if you’re building a business.

So my client is building a coaching business. And so she has to learn how to value herself and her coaching business more than she values anything else in her life if she wants to build it. So when her husband peeks his head in the door and just says, “Hey, I need you to come help me with this.” She can’t say, “Sure,” anymore. She has to say, “No, I’m working on my coaching business from eight to ten. I can maybe help you with that after I am finished here.”

Or she might just say, “No, I can’t help you with that today. I’m spending the whole day. I have my entire day scheduled. I’m building my business, I’m working out, I’m planning my meals, I’m doing the laundry.” You don’t even have to explain it, but you have to know it. You have to know what you’re going to value today. And know, you guys, that you’re teaching your people how to treat you.

If you say no to you, they’re not going to respect you if you don’t respect you. If you do not value the things that you really want to create in your life, the reason that you’re here, no one else is going to hold that in any kind of regard or esteem. They will keep interrupting you if you allow it. And I want to tell you, no one interrupts me. No one in my life interrupts me. Everyone in my life that I care about the most shows the utmost respect for me and the things that I value the most. Because I show the utmost respect for me and the things I value the most.

So I want you to get really clear about what’s important to you and what you value, I really do. It’s so much fun living a life where everything that you spend your time and energy on are things that are the most important things to you. And then you’re creating this energy, this new energy about your life and in your everyday life where you just can’t wait to get up in the morning and get going on your day. You have no anxiety because even if someone asks you to do something, it’s just a no, it’s just an automatic no. You have your day planned. So there’s just not very many emergencies.

So your brain’s like, well, what if it’s an emergency? Well, I’d like you to tell me what the actual emergency would be. Make sure it’s an actual emergency. It’s just not your brain trying to get out of what you really want to create for yourself. So be bad at it at first. We’re all bad at it at first. And it feels a little jinky and it feels a little rocky at first and that’s okay. People are going to be mad at you and people aren’t going to understand and that’s okay. I’m used to that. It’s totally fine. So that’s how you create a life you love living. That’s how you spend your time knowing who you are and who you are becoming.

You get so clear on it, it’s like, yeah, I’m creating some momentum in this area every single day. So I know in another podcast earlier that I told you the three things that I value the most and I probably have told you several times because it’s so important. I keep getting clearer and clearer and stronger and stronger with the things that I value the most. So I am first in my life, you guys, my mental health, my emotional health, my physical health, my spiritual health. So I tend to all of those needs every single day.

That’s why I work out every day. Not only does it help my physical health when I work out every day. It completely contributes to my mental health and my emotional health, of course it does, they all go hand in hand. One affects the other, so I get coached every week. So that helps my mental and emotional health as well so much, helps me just get aware of my un-useful thoughts because I think un-useful thoughts too. So my coach helps me with that.

So my eating and my drinking, I just stay so much on track with all of it. I just plan ahead of time, and I just stick to my plan. I’m so good at that. I’ve gotten so good at that. And I just want you to know that my clients are getting good at that and they’re understanding. They’re seeing the results of how powerful it is to have a nighttime routine, how powerful it is to have a morning routine, how joy filled it is to have a morning routine and set your day up for a win every single day.

What it feels like to really to drill down and get super clear about what’s important to you, how you want to spend your thought energy, how you want to manage your mind and just focus on these things that are super important to you that you value the most and that are getting you some traction towards your goals. So getting to know ourselves is so much fun and we do that in the second half of life. That’s our work, that’s why you need me to be your coach, hire me to be your coach. Get on the list to be in my next group.

It’s not for a few more months but you want to get in my next group. Hire me to be a one-on-one coach. I have a few one-on-one spots that you could take up and come work with me for a few months and completely change your life with step number one, getting to know who you are and who you want to become in the next few months. So there’s so many options for you. I want you to know every single thing is possible for you even if you’re feeling a little bit out of sorts, a little bit stuck.

I want you to know you do not have to continue to live this way, that you can make a change today in the way that you’re thinking. And get excited about your future and about how you can be willing to let other people down and stop living a life that you don’t like just to keep other people happy. You’ve got to stop that nonsense. That’s just nonsense. That is not why you’re here. You are not here to make other people happy. You are here to live your life to the fullest and become the most bright, vibrant, beautiful version of you.

This is the work that we do every single day and it’s so much fun. You want to live a life that’s so productive and feels so good on the inside and looks so good on the outside. That is so possible for you. It’s just clarity, commitment, consistency every single day. And it’s the best, most expansive life. So getting to know yourself, it’s so fun to know who I am. I don’t wrestle with it anymore. I’m very certain. I’m very clear I know my future self as well. I’m just being her now. And everything about her is so brilliant and vibrant and beautiful. She’s fully human but fully alive.

And even, I was telling my clients this week, I just run towards any anxiety. I run towards anything I am kind of dreading, my brain is kind of dreading. I’m just like, “Let’s just go get that done.” I’m not afraid of any of that anymore. I just kind of run towards it because like I say, the worst thing that can happen to us is a feeling. If anxiety is your worst feeling or if being terrified is your worst feeling, I’m just saying, feel it all because it’s not that bad to feel it. And what I don’t do anymore and what I’m teaching my clients not to do, is making yourself wrong for those feelings. They’re here to be felt so let’s just feel the anxiety, run towards it.

We feel dread about things maybe that we don’t want to do when we get up in the morning. It’s some work and that’s another useful thought that I just think, it’s only work, let’s go work, let’s go get it done. So that’s what I mean when I run to it. I get all my work done in the morning first thing. I just am all on it. I just face it all and get it done. I love that about me. I’m so proud of me.

So I want you to know you’re fully human. Whatever feelings you’re feeling they’re meant to be felt. Don’t make yourself wrong for them and pile anxiety on top of anxiety, getting anxious over your anxiety. You don’t have to do that anymore. You have to know for sure my friend that there is nothing wrong with you. You’re here to feel all the feelings. The worst thing that can happen is a feeling, So once we learn to feel the feelings then everything gets so much easier and lighter and better, I promise you because I experience it every single day.

So get to know who you are. It’s a really fun way to be in the second half of life. You have so much to look forward to, so many things to create for yourself. So let’s get to work together. Okay, have the happiest day. I love you so much and I will see you next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.