Ep 5. Stop Asking for Permission

I’m Kym Showers and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number five, Stop Asking for Permission.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hi, everyone. Isn’t life simply incredible? I woke up this morning thinking about how far we’ve come since last year. We’ve made so much progress. The things that seemed so important before the pandemic are not that important anymore it turns out. Life is clearer and simpler.

I want to keep adding a little more love and little more fun and a little more compassion to my life and to the world. That is really all that matters, and I know how to do that, and you do too. It really does start with us. Our mindset and perspective and the stories we tell ourselves.

The things we think about and talk about. The things we listen to and watch. We create neural pathways in our brain, and this becomes our reality. I can’t tell you how much different I am because I know this and I practice this and I practice thinking on purpose to create a different neural pathway in my brain. I don’t just go along with old ideas and beliefs. I question everything all of the time.

Is it true? Am I absolutely certain it’s true? Is believing this—that it’s true—giving me the life I want? Is believing that it’s true growing my ability to love unconditionally? If not, what might I think instead?

So, this practice—this way of thinking intentionally—has given me so many superpowers. It’s given me the ability to grow my self-confidence. It’s given me the ability to not take things personally. It’s grown my ability to love unconditionally. And the natural outcome has been breaking the habits of codependency, people-pleasing—which, for me, is the most magical part. It has changed everything for me.

I want to help you do it too. That’s what I want to talk to you about today: how to stop asking for permission. How to stop asking for opinions and how to stop explaining yourself and simply let people be wrong about you.

That’s a tough one, because our problem is we’re brought up, as women— starting when we’re little girls—to believe that other people know what’s best for us. We’re trained to ask for permission and to ask for opinions before we make a decision.

And then we carry these beliefs into adulthood and into all of our relationships. We crave outside validation. We betray ourselves easily to make other people comfortable. We hate it when someone’s mad at us. We’re afraid of being judged, and we let that keep us stuck somewhere we don’t want to be. We want people to like us and think we’re good.

We want to be a part of the group and invited to the party, so we go along with beliefs that we actually do not believe. We don’t know how to trust ourselves. We don’t know who we are and what we want, and so we stay the same. We stay safe. We stay quiet. And we drink wine. That helps us feel a little better. It numbs our feelings.

This is the reality of women my age and your age, and this is why I coach. It doesn’t have to be this way. Life is so much better than that and so are you.

So, the first thing I want to teach you is that you’ve got to stop asking for permission. Stop it. You don’t need anyone’s “okay” to do what you want to do. You do not need anyone’s “okay” to change your mind or change your direction or change your plans. You’re the boss. You’re in charge and you always been.

But maybe you just didn’t know it. So, start making your own decisions. Start owning your life experience, especially if you’re married. Stop asking your husband for his permission and approval. You don’t need it and it’s not good for either one of you. He isn’t the chairman or the principal or the CEO of your life.

He’s your partner. He’s your lover. He’s your friend. He’s your equal. You both have the responsibility to make your own decisions. He isn’t supposed to make your decisions for you. Did you know this?

Marriage is a partnership, not a hierarchy. Stop asking for permission and take your seat at the table. Trust yourself. Trust your wisdom. Trust your experience. Trust your intuition. Trust your intelligence. Have your own back.

You know so much more than you think you do, and your knowledge is so valuable. So, speak up. Don’t be passive aggressive. Be clear. Don’t talk around things. Address everything head-on with as few words as possible, like, “No thank you.” Or, “I don’t want to do that.” Or, “I have other plans.” Or, “That’s not fun for me.”

Stop going along. Stop being resentful and be honest instead. Respect yourself. Respect your spouse. And respect your marriage. Stop asking for permission. Start taking control of your life. You are the authority. It’s supposed to be this way. It will feel so good once you get used to it, and you’ll be unrecognizable in the best possible way.

The second thing you got to stop doing is asking for opinions. I spent the first 50 years of my life automatically asking, “What do you think I should do?” about everything I was deciding. I would take a poll daily about anything and everything.

I didn’t even recognize that I was doing it. I just did it. I needed a consensus before I would buy a dress or a car or order off a menu. What school to send our kids to. What doctor to choose. Where to vacation. What clothes to buy.

So many opinions, it becomes even more confusing. You already know what’s best for you. You already know what you like and what you don’t like. What you’re comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. You know what you feel good in and what you don’t feel good in.

Trust all of it. You already have an opinion on everything, so notice what it is. What is your opinion of you? Stop looking outside of yourself for validation and work on your opinion of yourself. Give yourself everything you need instead of wondering what other people think about you and your personality and your style and your value.

You decide for yourself about all of it. You decide you look great in the outfit, whatever outfit you’re in. You decide you’re a great cook. You decide you’re a great mom and an awesome wife and a faithful friend.

Instead of relying on your family and friends’ opinions, rely on your own. Notice when you’re hoping someone says something or notices something, and you do it instead. You notice it and tell yourself good things. Your opinion is the only thing that matters. Truly, truly, stop deferring and start practicing.

Third thing you need to stop doing is explaining yourself. Let people be wrong about you. This has been my favorite one to practice. I love letting people be wrong about me. I don’t explain myself.

That has been a huge shift in me. Get good at stepping away from the crowd and standing on your own and doing things for yourself. It’s the most challenging practice of all, but will help you break free from people-pleasing and codependent relationships.

You must take full responsibility for your life. Trust yourself wholeheartedly. You build self-trust by thinking for yourself, making your own decisions. You build self-trust by allowing other people to be disappointed or confused or even critical without you trying to fix it for them or change their mind. You build self-trust when you tell yourself the truth and you tell other people the truth.

Stop explaining yourself. Just be clear and honest. Reteach people how to treat you by treating yourself with the highest regard—by treating yourself with the utmost respect.

This is the best part, because when you do this, you give yourself the opportunity to discover that you’re smart and capable and can figure anything out all on your own. You connect with yourself and your highest good. You step into your own power and worth and your own sense of self. You become unstoppable in the bravest way. It’s the most exciting way to live. It’s the only way to live.

When we change our beliefs, we create new neural pathways in our brain, which shifts the direction of our life. We have a different mindset that is much more useful and productive.

It’s supposed to be this way. It’s an ongoing evolution. We become our truest self, and it’s so much fun. I love what my coach always says at the end of all of her podcasts: “The way things are is not the way things have to stay, and that’s 100% awesome.”

So, just because you’ve always believed something doesn’t mean you can’t stop believing it. Of course, you can. That’s how you reinvent yourself and create a life you love living.

I adore you for listening, and I’ll see you next week.

To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a few of my very favorite things to five lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the podcast. And it doesn’t really have to be a five-star review, though, of course, I would be ever grateful. And I do hope you love the show. But I do want your honest feedback so I can create something awesome that provides a lot of value for you.

So, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com/PodcastLaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the podcast in an upcoming episode.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.